Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Death by spider beast

Barry lured me to Ireland under false pretenses.  And, then...I was almost killed by a spider this week.  Let me explain.

You see, when Barry first informed me that there were no snakes in Ireland, I was shocked and relieved.  I couldn't imagine! I had no idea there were no snakes in Ireland (to find out why there are no snakes, click here)!  After all, I grew up in West Virginia...which is crawling with snakes...but not just any snakes...dangerous, scary, poisonous snakes like this:
A rabid, killer, psycho rattlesnake.

But then, he sweetened the pot even more and told me there were no spiders in Ireland either!  I hate snakes, but I hate spiders SO much more!  No spiders!  Glory be!  I was excited because, again, coming from West Virginia, we have dangerous, big, scary, poisonous spiders there, too!  Like this:

The demonic, sociopathic Black Widow.  My brother and I actually found one of these out in the backyard once while playing as children.

Anyway, imagine my surprise when I was in the shop yesterday putting away candy bars and this mutha f@£&er jumped out at me (And it did jump out at me and it had a knife in its hand.  Actually, there were knives in all if its hands...I saw them all.  And, it WAS this big. I'm not exaggerating at all.):

Yes...surprise to say the least.  I avoided the knife attack by screaming and jumping around like a maniac.  The spider dropped its knives and ran away.  Barry watched the whole encounter obviously amused by my reaction to this beast.

Me: "YOU said there were no spiders here! What was that?"
Barry: (Still laughing inappropriately at my near death experience.) "I never said there were no spiders here.  I said there were NO DANGEROUS spiders here."
Me: (Checking my body for stab wounds.)"Nope, you said zero spiders in Ireland just like there are no snakes!"
Barry:  "Aye, there are no snakes, but I never said no spiders."
Me:  (Hmmph.)  Are there spiders in the flat upstairs?
Barry:  (Silence accompanied with a look that clearly suggests there ARE spiders upstairs.)
Me:  There are aren't there?  Where did you see it last?  How big was it?  Where was it?
Barry: (Snickering.)  Awk, I found one the other day but I didn't tell you.
Me:  WHERE was it?  Was it in the bed?
Barry: (Laughing.) Seriously?  You won't ever see a spider in the bed.
Me:  (I'm beyond freaked at this point.)Then where was it?!
Barry: In the shower.
Me: How many were there?
Barry: Just one.
Me: Have you ever seen any more in the flat ever before?
Barry: Aye.
Me: (I have to plan my attack.)When? Where were they?
Barry:  Awk, I don't remember where they were now.  It may have been four or five months ago.
Me:  I'm calling an exterminator!
Barry:  Aw, won't be able to get rid of spiders.  They're everywhere.
Me: (This last statement doesn't make me feel any better.  They're everywhere.  My skin is crawling.)

So, now you understand.  He told me there were no spiders here (even though he denies saying no spiders and insists he said no DANGEROUS spiders).  I thought I would live a spiderless existence here...but alas, it is not to be.  After some research, I did find the spider that almost caused me to meet my maker yesterday.  It  looked more like this I all happened so fast.  Just your average house spider...of which I've seen before in America.  But, still.  Freakin' spiders.


  1. Yep, got them here too. They like to live underneath my tv stand.

  2. I hate them too:( Don't want to know how many we'll have in the basement of our new house. Actually, when I lived in Ireland I didn't see many but I rmember watching horror videos on You Tube with people finding freaking huge spiders in their houses, I mean BIG like I would think it was Australia but the biggest and most scary ones were always in the UK. Horror!!

  3. I'm laughing so hard at your captions in the photos!
    There most definitely are oodles of spiders in Ireland. My Irish mother is convinced they are good luck and would keep them all as pets if she could (crazy woman). But now, because of her superstition, I can't ever bring myself to kill one.

  4. That would scary although I have to say I am jealous you don't have to worry about deadly snakes or spiders--in CA we have black widows and rattlesnakes, here in MO we have black widows, brown recluses and water moccasins. Ick!

  5. Now I feel them everywhere on my body, AARGH! You have to think that those little spiders are more scared than you are, so you will survive them! ;) xo

  6. I am LMAO! Your storytelling is priceless - I didn't know there were no Snakes in Ireland! LUCKY! But spiders? OOOhhhh...I hate those things too. And your Photo Bubbles that are actually telling your readers what the spiders are saying and thinking....SO FUNNY!! You are hilarious Lesley. Hope you have a better, spider-less weekend!

  7. I'm sure to have spider nightmares tonight. Spiders are my number one ultimate fear (just above public speaking), and I was ready to move to Ireland RIGHT NOW (okay, it wouldn't take much) to avoid spiders. Sorry to hear that there are spiders there...and ugly ones at that. But the no snakes thing is still pretty cool!

  8. @Mollie--at least you know where they are lol
    @Susi--Don't tell me that!!
    @Sara Louise--I'll kill them for you...
    @KT--Water mocassins....eeeek!
    @Renee--I'm not so sure!
    @Sheri Mitchell--Happy to entertain!
    @Katie--No fan of public speaking either!

  9. Hi, I'm your newest follower.What a dream, You fell in love with an Irishman and He whisked you away to Ireland? Lucky!Well I'm lucky too to be honest or shall I say blessed with "My Love",but anyway...Just how big are Irish spiders REALLY.Please drop by and if you like stay awhile to follow. Denise.