I have night eyes again

I've had terrible eyes since I was 13 years old.  I'm talking T.E.R.R.I.B.L.E. coke-bottle-glasses-type eyes.  Even with the thinnest of lenses, my glasses are still thick.  Luckily, I've been able to wear contact lenses and not had to wear these wonderful magnifying lens looking glasses in public (I'm not counting the time I developed a vicious eye infection in college and had to wear the monstrosities I called glasses then.  I'm still not over it.). So, since I don't wear my glasses in public and usually only wear them at night time when I take my contacts out, I go for several years without replacing them.  Even if they experience some trauma like the pair I currently have.

My current glasses suffered a limb loss a few years ago, but with the help of an ingenious invention called liquid cement, I was able to piece them back together to where they are usable...in private, of course. That is until recently.  I had to break down and purchase new glasses because the liquid cement trick has run its course.  There are only so many times you can break the arm off of your glasses and liquid cement them back on before it just builds up and you have a heap of old crusty dried cement that won't let anything else adhere to it.  I can't believe I'm about to do this, but I'm going to show these beauts to you.  Here they are...my private night time look.

Notice the lovely glob of dried liquid cement.  

So anyway...as you can see, it was most definitely time for a new pair.   And, a new pair I have.  Ta da! Check out these peeps here:

Creepy commerical

Not too much going on here at the minute.  The spider I talked about in this post, has been evicted.  Notice I said evicted and not killed.  Barry was much more lenient than I would have been.  He just put it outside and let it walk away...knives and all.

Ah well, anyway.  I went to a Zumba Instructor training on Saturday for Zumba Toning.  Even though I teach Zumba five days a week, my ass is sore today from the all day training.

Other than that, I've been trying to make sense of these commercials.  Once of them is just weird (the Cadbury one), although I enjoy watching it.  I dig the song...brings me back to my childhood.  And again, reminds me that we, in fact, don't have to take our clothes off to have a good time...oh no.  The other one (the Dodgers one) creeps me out.  Take a look.

Cadbury:



Dodgers:  If these things came at me in the grocery store, I'd run like hell and say screw the Dodgers!  I'm gettin' the Oreos!

Death by spider beast

Barry lured me to Ireland under false pretenses.  And, then...I was almost killed by a spider this week.  Let me explain.

You see, when Barry first informed me that there were no snakes in Ireland, I was shocked and relieved.  I couldn't imagine! I had no idea there were no snakes in Ireland (to find out why there are no snakes, click here)!  After all, I grew up in West Virginia...which is crawling with snakes...but not just any snakes...dangerous, scary, poisonous snakes like this:

A rabid, killer, psycho rattlesnake.

But then, he sweetened the pot even more and told me there were no spiders in Ireland either!  I hate snakes, but I hate spiders SO much more!  No spiders!  Glory be!  I was excited because, again, coming from West Virginia, we have dangerous, big, scary, poisonous spiders there, too!  Like this:

The demonic, sociopathic Black Widow.  My brother and I actually found one of these out in the backyard once while playing as children.

Anyway, imagine my surprise when I was in the shop yesterday putting away candy bars and this mutha f@£&er jumped out at me (And it did jump out at me and it had a knife in its hand.  Actually, there were knives in all if its hands...I saw them all.  And, it WAS this big. I'm not exaggerating at all.):

Yes...surprise to say the least.  I avoided the knife attack by screaming and jumping around like a maniac.  The spider dropped its knives and ran away.  Barry watched the whole encounter obviously amused by my reaction to this beast.

Me: "YOU said there were no spiders here! What was that?"
Barry: (Still laughing inappropriately at my near death experience.) "I never said there were no spiders here.  I said there were NO DANGEROUS spiders here."
Me: (Checking my body for stab wounds.)"Nope, you said zero spiders in Ireland just like there are no snakes!"
Barry:  "Aye, there are no snakes, but I never said no spiders."
Me:  (Hmmph.)  Are there spiders in the flat upstairs?
Barry:  (Silence accompanied with a look that clearly suggests there ARE spiders upstairs.)
Me:  There are aren't there?  Where did you see it last?  How big was it?  Where was it?
Barry: (Snickering.)  Awk, I found one the other day but I didn't tell you.
Me:  WHERE was it?  Was it in the bed?
Barry: (Laughing.) Seriously?  You won't ever see a spider in the bed.
Me:  (I'm beyond freaked at this point.)Then where was it?!
Barry: In the shower.
Me: How many were there?
Barry: Just one.
Me: Have you ever seen any more in the flat ever before?
Barry: Aye.
Me: (I have to plan my attack.)When? Where were they?
Barry:  Awk, I don't remember where they were now.  It may have been four or five months ago.
Me:  I'm calling an exterminator!
Barry:  Aw, shutup...you won't be able to get rid of spiders.  They're everywhere.
Me: (This last statement doesn't make me feel any better.  They're everywhere.  My skin is crawling.)


So, now you understand.  He told me there were no spiders here (even though he denies saying no spiders and insists he said no DANGEROUS spiders).  I thought I would live a spiderless existence here...but alas, it is not to be.  After some research, I did find the spider that almost caused me to meet my maker yesterday.  It  looked more like this I think...it all happened so fast.  Just your average house spider...of which I've seen before in America.  But, still.  Freakin' spiders.

The post with the themweys

Google Image Search

*Edit note:  I've been notified that it is actually thingwee and NOT themwey...so I stand corrected. Thank you Derryonians (yes I just made that up) for helping ;)*

So, apparently the apocalypse was to happen on Saturday.  I didn't know until Sunday.  Anyway, for all the May 21st survivors out there, I thought I'd use this post to teach you a few Derry, Ireland sayings. Of course some of them aren't specific to Derry and can be heard throughout Ireland and over in the U.K., but I'll throw 'em all in together. Then maybe you'll understand why I'm so confused all the time and why my new thang has been to just smile and nod (since I don't know what the heck is being said around me most of the time). I've posted a few things like this before, but this post is better because there's more in it :). I don't have a great transition here, so we'll just dive right in.

Irish/U.K. sayings/words on left and American meanings on right.

• What's the craic? (pronounced crack)--What's happening (crack in Ireland crack in the U.S. are two completely different meanings).
• What about ye?--What's going on
• Mucker--Friend
• Bin--Trash can
• Rubbish--Garbage
• Lorry--Semi-truck
• Till--Cash Register (You'll remember my little encounter with this word from this post.)
• Pants--Underwear (And, who could forget my embarrassing misuse of this one.  Check here.)
• Trousers--Pants
• Vest--Tank top
• Queue--Line
• Trainers--Sneakers/Tennis shoes
• Pad--Sidewalk
• Trolley--Buggy
• Pram--Stroller
• Nappy--Diaper
• Cooker--Stove
• Yer ma's yer da--Yo Momma or Your Mom (an insult)
• Red sauce--ketchup
• Aye--Yes (I've got the hang of this one)
• Now we're sucking diesel--Now we're getting somewhere
• Petrol--Gasoline
• Wind--Gas...as in farts
• Yes/Alright--Hello
• Canny--Can't
• Ano--I know
• Wan--One
• Dinner--Lunch
• Tea/Tay--Dinner
• Crisps--Chips
• Chips--Fries
• Wain--Child
• Catch yourself on--Get over it
• Arse/Hole--Ass
• Class--Very good
• Flat out--Very busy
• Knackered--Tired 
• Cracker--Very good
• Bake--Face (One of my favs)
• Baltic--Freezing (As I have been since I got here...Summer where are you?)
• Gac--Someone who is kind of stupid
• Cabbage--Same as Gac
• Yer man/woman--that guy/girl over there (it never ceases to amaze me either when hearing a conversation using this b/c they always know who the other person is talking about.  Not me, I need names.)
• Fag--Cigarette
• Off License--Liquor Store
• Slag--To make fun of
• Take away--Food to go
• Ma--Mother
• Da--Father
• Ragin'--Angry
• Wee--Small or tiny (one of my favs)
• Sweet--Candy
• Awk--Usually just a word placed in the beginning of a sentence ("Awk, hope you feel better, love.")
• Hi--Usually a word put in the end of a sentence ("I don't know, hi.")
• Femway/themwey (don't know how to spell this one)--Usually meant to mean that thing there or thingy. ("Go on and bring me that femway from the table.")  Here is an actual conversation that Barry and I had regarding this word:  Barry:  "Just git the femway with the femway and then that's us sorted."  Me:  (I couldn't say anything because I had no idea what he just said). "What?" 

Okey dokey, that is it for now, muckers.  The list could go on and on, but I'll stop now.  Barry, when you get up in the morning and read this, feel free to add more, hi.  Maybe I'll do a West Virginia slang post next...although I don't understand half of them either and I'm from there. 

A hen party, Foyle days and a toad in a hole

You know what we need?  More rain.  Hallelujah, the rain actually held off a little on Saturday night and Sunday afternoon. Before you read anymore, just be warned that some of the pictures you are going to see may be a little raunchy so if you're offended by that, stop reading now.

 I was invited to my first girl's night out here in Derry last night.  It was an Ann Summers hen party full of dirty games and surprises.  For those that don't know what Ann Summers is, click here.  Be warned...it's a teeny bit naughty. I'm going to post a few pictures.  Most of the pictures probably wouldn't be considered "appropriate," so again, be warned before viewing.  I won't post ALL of them, but maybe these here are a little more suitable for viewing hehe. Here are a few.  Enjoy!

First of all, we had to wear nametags with inappropriate names for the night as you can see below.  My name for the evening was Five Dollar Fiona.

Still calm.

The bride-to-be

Nothing says 'Welcome to Derry' like a girl sucking the creme out of a Cadbury creme egg as its lodged between your legs.

What's a bachelorette party without the token policeman stripper?

And a lovely stripper he was.

Isn't he pretty?

Of course, a John Holmes looking blow up doll is a must.

Alrighty, now on to the more family friendly part of my weekend.  The Foyle Days Festival complete with an international open air market full of yummy food vendors. I gained eight pounds just walking through this and smelling the deliciousness.

And, finally, it is time for me to be a little childish.  After the open air market, Barry and I went to the grocery store to stock up.  That is where I found these things below.  They were just sitting there in the frozen food section all nonchalantly. It made me giggle.  I had to take a picture.

From left to right:  Toad in the Hole, the Incredible Toad in the Hole and Mr. Brains Pork Faggots.

The Toad in the Hole things are sausage wrapped in a pastry.  The Incredible Toad in the Hole things I guess are the same things as the Toad in the Hole, but more incredible.  I'm still not sure what the pork faggots are.  I guess they are pigs that swing the other way.  Here's a close up of them. 

Okay, that's it for now, folks.

The fine art of decorative towels

Barry has been schooled in the fine art of decorative bathroom towels this week.  I know this isn't something most men would understand.  Towels are towels, right?  Um, no!  Towels are only meant for use if they are folded and put away in the linen closet.  If they are really pretty, never been used and folded nice and fancy like all while hanging on a rack out in the open in the bathroom, then, clearly they aren't meant for every day use.  Duh.  Here, they look a little like this.  These aren't our towels, just some I found on Google, but you get the idea.

So anyway, in our bathroom, we have a a towel rack with fancy towels.  They are just there for decoration because they match the bathroom decor.  Can't use 'em, nope. The other day, I noticed one of these said towels was missing.  I looked high and low for it and located it hanging on the door handle.  It appeared to have been used.  I was flabbergasted.  Who would use a decorative bathroom towel for everyday use?  It just isn't done.  Since it is just me and Barry and our two cats here, I immediately knew who the culprit was.  After all, I've never seen the cats use a towel.  It had to be Barry!  I confronted him right away.  Here is the conversation that occurred.

Me: (Leading Barry into the bathroom in front of the decorative towel rack.) So, I noticed a towel missing from this rack.
Barry: (Looking a little confused.)  Aye.
Me: But this these towels are just here to be pretty.  Not to use.
Barry: (Rolling his eyes.)Awk, I know but I was in a hurry, sure.  There weren't any other towels in the closet.
Me: (I march over to the closet to prove him wrong.) Yes there are.  I just washed a bunch and put in here yesterday.
Barry: (Clearly annoyed and to be honest who could blame him, I was being a little weird over towels.) I didn't see 'em, hi.
Me:  Interesting.

End of conversation.

So, let's fast forward  a few days.  Barry and I were talking in the bathroom while he was washing his hands.  At that current moment, all the useable towels were being washed.  He went to reach for a non-decorative towel to dry his hands and couldn't find one.  My fault.  I was slacking in my laundry duties, I know.  He stood with his hands dripping wet.  Here is the conversation that followed:

Barry: (Looking at me, confused.) What do I do here?
Me:  (Laughing because I recall our previous decorative towel conversation.) Dry your hands.
Barry:  With what? (As he looks at the decorative towel rack).  These are ornamental and I can't use these?
Me:  (Laughing because he said "ornamental."  And, I was also quite impressed that he knew which towels were decorative and which weren't.  I then pick up a decorative towel and hand to him, since they were the only clean ones in the flat at the moment.) Here, use this.  You said "ornamental" (Giggles.).
Barry: (Afraid to take the towel in his hand, obviously unsure of the wrath he would unleash from using a fancy towel.) Are ye sure?
Me: (Using my new Irish accent.) Aye, use it.  It is all we have right now.
Barry: Alright, hi.

The end.

So anyway, towel lesson learned.  I know Barry must be enjoying married life so much.  He really is learning a lot.

P.S.  Please note the sarcasm I'm using in this post.  I'm truly not an anal witch when it comes to towels.  I'm also a little bit drunk as I write this since I just had my first night out with some girls here in Derry.

So, until next time...use the right towels.

Mamaw's Birthday

My grandmother's birthday is coming up on the 21st of May.  Happy Birthday, Mamaw!

At my bridal shower.

Here she is with Barry on our wedding day.  Giving him some advice on how to handle me I'm sure haha.

At my first book signing.

Funk

I'm sort of in a funk.  The weather here has been pretty crappy for a few days and it is amazing how that can affect your mood.  I'm not depressed or anything like that.  It's just a weird, little, icky funk.  I mean, I'm fine.  But, I miss my friends and family a lot.  I miss having someone to do things with.  With the hubs working most of the time, I find myself wandering around the town aimlessly at times by myself until it's time to go teach Zumba.

I don't mind doing things alone, I actually enjoy it, but sometimes, it's nice to have some company.  It kind of sucks not having any friends to do things with, even if it is something as silly as going to Subway to eat a sandwich after a Zumba class.  Or, just going to my mom's house and sitting there watching television.  I'm having to start from scratch in the making friends department here and that is a little intimidating.  My good friends back in the States, well, I've had them for YEARS so I don't really know how to go about making friends. I'm rusty. Aquaintances, I've got it covered no problem, but good, solid, tell anything to friends, I haven't a clue.  Luckily, I do, for the first time have plans this weekend with some gals from Zumba class, so that has got me a little excited.   I'm also very excited that hopefully some family and friends  from the U.S. will be coming over to visit this summer!

Anyway, In between classes, I try to find things to keep me busy.  For example, I clean, or I work on new Zumba routines and listen to music to find new Zumba songs.  At times, I stand in the shop with Barry and just kind of hang around all the time being tempted by the wall of chocolate and gummies that rest behind me.  They all whisper my name constantly, ya know.  I suppose I could try and work on another book, but honestly, I have no desire to begin writing AT ALL.  I'm hoping the desire will come, but at this point, I'm not so sure. 

Otherwise, Zumba classes are going incredibly well!  We are running out of space in our room and unfortunately I've not been able to find a bigger room for us to go to.  I mean, it's a good problem to have and I'm so pleased so many people are loving the class, I'm just frustrated we don't have space to properly accomodate everyone.  So, I guess that is contributing to the funk.  I want to make everyone in class happy, but I'm afraid the space issue is working against me. 

Moving on.  To fight the funk and my raging home sickness, I've decided to focus on some things here in Derry that I've come to really enjoy aside from Barry and my Zumba classes, of course.

Number 1:  Baked Wotsits (These can be found next to the aformentioned wall of chocolate.  These have also been known to call my name.  I enjoy a bag a day.)

Number 2:  A red Bounty Bar. 

Number 3: A berry Five Alive drink

Number 4: The restaurants and any other type of food producer/manufacturers', etc. brilliant use of sweet chili seasoning/sauces and the salt and vinegar options for lower calorie crisps.

Number 5: I love that "Fuck" can be said on television here.  Everytime I hear it, it still shocks me. 

Number 6: I'm also enjoying the fact that I'm beginning to understand the Derryisms floating around.  Things like, "Yer Ma's yer Da" (the U.S. equivalent would be something like "Yo Momma"), "Mucker" (friend), "Whats the craic?" (What's going on?), "Yer a cabbage" (You're stupid), "Now yer suckin' diesel" (Now we're getting somewhere). For more, click here.

Number 7: Primark

Number 8: I like that everyone here gets really dolled up to go out to dinner.  I often feel like a slob in comparison, though.

Number 9: Marks and Spencer chocolate mousse.

Number 10: That you can venture to the town center at any given time and you'll always see people out and about.  This is far different than my hometown. 

I do realize the majority of these are food related...what can I say.  I likes me food. 

I think the word is sun

Photo: Google Image Search

I  miss this.  I need some of this.  I think it is called sunshine, but it has been so long since I've seen it that I'm not sure anymore.  It has rained for what seems like WEEKS here in Derry and I'm sick of it.  Sick of it, I say!  Has the sun burned out?  Someone let me know. I know it has been pretty shitty back home in West Virginia, so at least we're not the only ones here in Ireland drowning in rain. Come back sunshine!!!!! *le sigh*

Photo from Google Image Search

All wrong

Google Image Search Photo

Barry and I were out browsing yesterday at Dunelm Mill, a shop that sells household items, decorations, etc.  We meandered through the bathroom section and came upon a wall of bathroom scales.  Barry pulled a scale down, set it on the floor and climbed aboard.  Then I heard: "That can't be right.  Naw, that's wrong there, hi."  I looked down at the number he was locked in on--10.  He weighed 10 stone (there are 14 pounds in a stone for my American readers.  So he weighed 140 pounds).  Not much right?  At least in my opinion anyway.

Not pleased with his weight on scale number one, he pulled another scale from the wall and climbed on.  Then, I heard: "Something's wrong with these 2 scales here. Naw I've always weighed 8 stone."  I glance down and see the number 10 yet again before saying, "Well, they can't all be wrong."  After he went on to rationalize his two stone weight gain by saying the clothes he had on were heavy, big boots, etc. blah blah blah, I felt like smacking him. 

You see Barry has always had trouble gaining weight.  Until he quit smoking about a year and a half ago that is.  Of course, the half gallons of vanilla ice cream and half of a whole apple crumble in the evening for dessert doesn't help him much either as far as keeping his boyish figure.  I, on the other hand, have always had trouble keeping the weight off.  If I don't watch every morsel that passes through my lips and exercise til I'm blue in the face, I'll gain weight. 

Up until our recent trip to Dunelm Mill, I kept telling Barry his trousers were getting too small, but he didn't believe me all the time arguing that they weren't (even though he had red marks pressing in on his skin from his tight jeans and could barely breath).  I guess even men take weight gain hard.  Needless to say, next weekend we won't be browsing for household items again...nope, we'll be going trouser shopping for fat arse...er, I mean Barry. 

Fox is Irish

Bad news.  This is another post about my cats.  I know, I know.  I talk about them a lot, but I can't help it.  I'm one of the weirdos that really loves my cats.  I guess that is pretty obvious considering I did spend seven months preparing their paperwork, tests and travel arrangements to get them to Ireland with me.

Fox Jeffrey is my youngest cat.  He's a five year old yellow Tabby and let's just say he's a few fries short of a happy meal.  Always has been.  I attribute it to him being taken away by his mother at just four weeks old.  He sees imaginary fairies on the wall, it took me nearly a year to train him to use the litter box.  I've never been able to teach him how to use his scratching post...after four years of that, I gave up and just counted my blessings that at least he used his litter box.  So, needless to say, I had cat scratched furniture back in America.  He's never been a snuggler. Yes, he's "special."  I compare him to David after dentist.

Charlie, on the other hand, is the complete opposite.  He's my ten year old Tabby. He listens, he was no problem when it came to litter box training, he uses the scratching post and he's always first in line to be petted and snuggled. 

Then, we move to Ireland.  I fully expected it to be traumatic for them, but it actually wasn't.  They've adjusted quite well.  Especially Fox.  Barry and I have come up with a theory:  Fox is actually Irish and he's back in his home land and therefore he's happy.  I'll prove it.  I bought them a scratching post and he walked over to it and USED IT!!!  I've tried for YEARS to get him to use it! And, he's not offered to scratch on any of our furniture here.  In addition, he's become super lovey...wanting petted all the time.  For instance, this very moment as I type this, he is cuddled up next to me PURRING!!!  I know this sounds ridiculous, but you have no idea what a night and day change he has made since coming to Ireland.  Of course, my friend offered a different theory instead of the whole he may be Irish thing, she said he probably had a stroke on the plane that caused him to change personalities.  I guess that could be another possibility.

Charlie, he's doing well, too.  He's still the same sweet kitty, but he's having a teensy weensy bit more of a difficult time adjusting.  I say he's my American cat.  He and I, the two Americans, are both having a little trouble adjusting, but we're coming around just fine.

The time machine gets it every time

Time machine. Google image search.

Barry and I were watching Dexter this evening.  This show has become our after dinner treat every night...we're on season four now so we're getting all caught up.  Anyway, there was a scene on today where Dexter was in traffic due to a sobriety checkpoint.  Instead of waiting in traffic, Dexter turned around.

Now, let's back up. Barry and I, just for some fun, have odd little discussions about which is better--Ireland or America.  Now, there's never a clear winner of course but it is something we have fun with.  It's all for fun...I'll repeat.  I like it here and would never say anything insulting and same goes for Barry.

So, after this scene where Dexter leaves the sobriety checkpoint.  Here is the conversation that follows between Barry and I:

Barry:  "Now if that were ti happen here, they'da [cops] wuda been after 'em, hi."
Me:  "Yep, they would chase them down in the States too for doing that."
Barry:  "Aye, but do they have dinosaurs in America?"
Me: (Confused) "Dinosaurs?"
Barry:  "Aye, 'cause yer always tryin' ti upstage me.  We have it here so America does, too."
Me:  (Rolling my eyes and laughing)  "Yes, we have dinosaurs in America to help chase the sobriety check point avoiders."
Barry: "So do we.  But, do ye have robots?"
Me:  "Yes, and we have time machines, too."
Barry: (long, silent pause) "Very good.  You win.  The time machine did it."

YES...I knew the time machine would help me win this one!

And....YES...these are the weird conversations we find ourselves having a little too often.

Go brother, it's your birthday

Wednesday, May 11th, is my younger same age as me brother's birthday.  So, here's to wishing the last year of his twenties is unforgettable.  Happy 29th Birthday, Joseph!

That's him on the right.  Those fellas are some big Mountaineers fans. Go WVU!

A typical Joseph expression.

Hmm...as you can see, he has the same expression in most photographs. 

By the way ladies...he's single!  He'd so kill me if he knew I did that, but he doesn't read my blog so no worries lol!